This is beautifully written – I have chosen an excerpt I found particularly relevant to me but the whole thing is well worth reading.
Sometimes just reading that others feel the way I do helps so much, proving that we do in fact need each other.
It’s a long road.
Now, I am learning to give up my favorite coping skills. And when I do, all of those old sensations are stored in the stillness. They waited for me to mature and center. That seems so mean.
But this is the work, and sometimes it pisses me off that my energy is spent on this.
I often look for an easier way. I wonder how old I’ll be when I’m done unraveling the knots in my nervous system.
I’m sick of being sick of the process.
I’ve been an adult longer than I was a child and I don’t want to be impacted. Can’t I at least circle new drains or upgrade the scenery on this repeat track. I don’t want to have to do regular exercise to keep off the emotional pounds.
I feel burdened, exhausted, and martyred at times, wearing an itchy wool coat I can’t disrobe.
It is not the presence of bad (abuse) but the absence of good (love, attachment, boundaries, modeling) that injures children into adulthood. Most of us have learned not to drink, abuse, and be violent (yay us!), but the more subtle aspects of self-care and recovery are healthy nurturing, interdependence, making time for love and joy. Those can be mysterious.
Christine Cissy White
Why Survivors Need Each Other – By Christine Cissy White